Struggles and Tears

There are days when we all feel like it is just too much. We can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel and there is just no way to get life in order. We try hard to follow God’s word and we do our best to seek Him and His ways; yet, we feel like we fall short. The bills are overdue, the cabinets are getting bare, the house is still half remodeled, and we still need gas to get to work until the next pay day. Maybe we feel like this is happening in our lives because we don’t have everything in order according to God’s word; or maybe we feel like this is how life is because the household is not in agreement on serving God. Could it be because we feel like our house is spiritually unevenly yoked because not everyone is actively seeking God? What if it is because some are still caught in speaking negative things and not standing on the promises that God has given. All these questions come to our minds when we have a day that just doesn’t come together in the name of Jesus.

I then I must ask, if this is the case, then how can I be prophesied over, and it be accurate? How can something that God sends to me come to pass if I must wait until my household is in order? Is this fair? I mean if I am doing what I know to do such as: reading God’s word, praying, worshipping, praising, being thankful, loving others, forgiving, praying for others, and everything else that is good and true, then why must I be held accountable for those who are not seeking His ways or still speak negatively? Am I wasting my time praying for the promise of His provisions and abundance since it cannot come until my bills are caught up and paid as agreed? Does speaking words of life into situations really matter if there is someone quicker to speak words of negativity about finding the right parts for the lawn mower? Do I shrug and just go on about my daily walk with Jesus and know that someday everyone will be serving God? Is this a patience thing? Is this because of mistakes I made and now it is the price I pay?

This place is not a place that is new to me. My heart was torn apart before, and I walked away from serving God. I did not walk away from Him, nor did I stop believing in Him or His word. I just walked away from serving because I was told (not in a straightforward way) that I was not ready nor was my life in a place that God could use me for anything. So, I felt like “why bother?” Why should I pour out my heart and soul if it was just going to lay there? I just can’t seem to understand any of this struggle. It is the same struggle that I battled years ago when I was in a different church. Here I am 8 years later feeling almost the same way. The only thing different is I have not been told that I am not worthy. I am tired of the wilderness when I can see the promised land. I am tired of the struggles when I can see the victory. I am tired of the lack when I can see the abundance. Yet, I cannot change it. I am at the mercy of those around me. Why? I do not understand why? I am sitting here trying to keep the tears at bay and figure out what God’s word says about this situation. I hear the words “press through” but I just feel like I do not have the energy. It’s almost like I can see the goodness of God and all the callings, talents, blessings, promises and desires of my heart; yet I cannot have them because my life is not where it should be. This literally breaks my heart to think that I am pouring myself out for God to use, only to find that I am not worthy because of situations that are not what He wants. If I could control them, I would be the first to do what needs to be done, but since it is not in my control, it seems as though it is unjust.

I know that God is just and loving, just as I know that He is gracious and truthful. I know He is a good Father who loves me more than I can even love myself. So I go to the only place that I know I can find answers and peace. I go to God’s word. I reflect on the stories of the Bible. The first person I think of is Job, and how he lost everything; consequently, even after cursing the day he was born (story for another time), he was given double for his trouble. I remember Saul who was against Christians; and then he was converted and became one of the most influential writers of the New Testament. Oh, and then there is Peter, who denied Christ and became one of the great Ministers of his time. I think of the blind men who were given their sight, the little girl brought back from death, and little Zacchaeus, who climbed a tree just to get a look at Jesus; who Jesus then called by name and dined with him. So, as I reflect on these stories, I realize that each of these people acted and were blessed. Their lives were changed because of their actions.

Then I began to reflect on the promises of God. He knows the plans He has for me and He will never leave me or forsake me. He loves me so much that He gave His Son to die for my sins and transgressions. The promise that the joy will come after the storm and if I ask, He will hear. I am reminded of His promise of provision in the wilderness and the redemption in the promised land. I know that he will not being me to something without giving me the strength to get through that situation. When I feel the weakest, He is the strongest. All these things are in His word. They are His Word and they are true and merciful.

I also remember that He has told us that the enemy will come to destroy and steal anything that God gives or promises. God promises that even when the enemy tries to snare us with his lies and manipulations, we are stronger because we have the Holy Spirit within us.

It is not the behavior of the people around me that keep us in the struggle, it is the battle of the enemy. It is the adversary who brings situations against our promises and prophecies. The enemy wants nothing more than to see me walk away again. This tells me that there is something great to come. This tells me that the struggles will not last forever. This tells me that life will change, and blessings will be more than I can imagine. It is my willingness to be pushed around spiritually by the enemy that keeps me in the wilderness. If I let him get to me emotionally, mentally and spiritually, then he can send doubt and anger into my life. These things will steal my joy, praise and gratefulness.

Trusting God is much more than just reading His word. It is praying and even crying out to Him when you are lost in the sea of emotions. Praying is not just done on your knees. Sometimes my best conversations with God have been those where I am laying on my bed ugly crying and needing to just talk to Him. Regardless of how you talk to Him, don’t ever forsake taking your feelings to God. Even if you are upset and just don’t understand, talk to Him. Let Him hold you and speak to you in a way that you will understand how much He loves you and wants you to fulfill the call on your life. Give Him the chance to answer for Himself. By going straight to God with these concerns, we can drown out the doubt and fear that the enemy is sending and walk on the water with Jesus. This is how we become More.

Remember, we all experience these struggles; however, it is our reaction to the struggle that either keeps us in the wilderness or guides us to the promised land.

Love you much!!



©2020 by Cyndi Kay

Proudly created with